I can hear the sound of rushing water.
I look. I see a waterfall. It is vast and powerful. I look up. It is enormous. I look for the waterfall’s origin, but I can only see the rushing waterfall, and big, perfect, fluffy white clouds encircling the top of it.
It’s Mother’s Day (May 12, 2013). Thank You for the privilege of being a mom, Lord. What a gift my children are. I learn so much from them. I learn so much about Your heart toward me as I love them and learn to parent them out of the abundance that is mine in You. Thank You that I get to be a mom. I love You so much, Lord. You are so good. And so faithful. You have brought such healing to my life. Thank You for mending my broken heart (referring to the 4 miscarriages I had after I had my 2 sons). Thank You for the gift of life, hope and love.
I ask: “Where are You Lord? I love You. I miss You. I long to be with You.”
My Lord responds: “And I long to be with you, Tara.”
I heard His voice. I wait for His touch. I sense His presence. My spirit responds. I look for Him. I watch. I ask: “Open the eyes of my heart, Lord. I want to see You.”
“What do You want to say to me or show me today, Lord?”
My Lord speaks: “Let Me in. Let Me be in you. Let Me live through you.”
I respond: “Yes, Lord. I let You in. Have Your way in me, Lord Jesus.”
“Look to Me. Keep your eyes fixed on Me. Lean not on your own understanding.”
I quiet myself: “I am here, Lord Jesus. I am here. I look for You. I wait for You. I long to see You and hear You. Where are You, Lord. My heart and soul wait for You.”
NOTE TO READER: Four years ago – after two perfect pregnancies that resulted in the supernatural delivery of my two beautiful sons – I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks. The miscarriage was difficult physically, and it shook me to the core both emotionally and spiritually. I suffered with depression as a result. In the 10 months following that miscarriage, I had two more miscarriages (both very early). I was stuck in grief during that period of time, but Jesus was faithful. He met me where I was, and led me back to joy in Him that same year.
NOTE TO READER: I have included several related encounters with Jesus here. The first encounter occurred June 20, 2012. In this entry, I reference a pregnancy that ended in miscarriage the same day – several hours later. I was 7 weeks pregnant. The entries that follow are my honest, raw conversations with Jesus about my pain, grief and loss.
I quiet myself: “I am here, Lord. What is it You want to show me today, Lord? What is it You want to speak to me about today, Lord? Open the eyes of my heart. I want to hear You. I want to see You. I love You, Jesus.”
We are dancing on the beach. I see Him wearing His long white robes. I feel the warm breeze. I feel the strength of His hands. Our eyes are locked. His gaze does not leave mine. Mine does not leave His.
I am thinking in my spirit: “I love You, Lord. Thank You for loving me and strengthening me.”
I quiet myself: “Here I am, Lord. My beloved Savior and Friend, I am here. Open the eyes of my heart, Lord. Open the ears of my heart. I want to hear You. I want to see You. Oh how I love You, Lord. Where are You?”
Jesus is in front of me. We are in heaven. His hands are on my shoulders. He is looking me in my eyes.
I quiet myself: “Here I am, Lord. Open the eyes of my heart, Lord. Open the ears of my heart. I want to see You. I want to hear You. I tune my heart to Your flow. Flow with me, Holy Spirit. Speak to me out of Your flow. Thank You, Jesus that You are alive. Where are You, Lord?”
