Little Angry Self
Little Angry Self stood at the gate to the entrance of the amusement park. In her short life of 4 and 3/4 years she had never been more excited than she was on this day. She had walked by this amusement park many times witnessing all the things available to see, do, eat, and enjoy. She saw the breathtaking rides and heard the squeals of excitement and smelled the delights the food trucks had to offer. These things had now become her heart's desire. She was ready to have her breath taken away, squeal with excitement, and sample the many delights.
With her ticket in hand, she approached the lady at the gate. She had made very sure to take care of this ticket and not to crumple it in her pocket. She watched as others excitedly presented their tickets and gained entrance to the park. When it was her turn, she proudly presented her ticket to the lady at the gate who examined it. After she looked at it briefly, she got out her reading glasses and squinted to take a closer look. There was some writing at the bottom of the ticket she couldn’t quite make out. With the added magnification of her glasses, she was able to read the small print, which said “This ticket bearer is not permitted the desires of her heart. Do not give her access to the park.”
Abruptly, she turned to Little Self and said, “You cannot go in, this ticket is no good.” The gate worker must have anticipated an emotional reaction. She warned her in no uncertain terms that there was to be no emotional outburst nor any emotional display of any kind on the premises. In particular, she emphasized there were to be no displays of anger over this situation. They simply were not acceptable and would not be tolerated. She mumbled some other things that were all jumbled together in Little Self’s mind. It had something to do with it just not looking good in public to have any kind of emotional display. Somehow it would make her parents look bad and God unhappy, and they both could withdraw their love from her.
Feeling stunned and dejected, Little Self started walking the perimeter of the park, dragging her little hand along the fence as she gazed at each thing she wanted to experience.
She had a cauldron of emotions that wanted to rise to the surface but remembered the stern warning of the gatekeeper. She knew her ticket should have been good like all the others who were allowed past the gate. She wanted to cry, then she wanted to yell, “This isn’t fair!” She mostly wanted to be angry but then she remembered that wasn’t an option. She felt overwhelmed by the whole situation and with no other options available she started to shut down as she pushed her emotions far away from her.
She found a bench to sit on, gathered her little legs up under her, bowed her head, and crossed her arms over her chest area. It was as close to a fetal position as she could get sitting on a bench. While she was sitting there the sun had crossed the sky and now instead of being in her face was at her back.
Jesus who had exited the park a few minutes earlier noticed her as he approached her on the path near the bench. He knew she was much too little to be out here all by herself so he took a seat next to her. Not wanting to startle her in her current state he gently cleared his throat. There was no response, so he once again cleared his throat a little more forcefully. This time she looked in his direction and then raised her eyes enough to see who it was.
“Little One,” Jesus said in the kindest voice she had ever heard. She heard him but returned her head and body to the fetal position. At that point Jesus made no further overtures toward her. He simply sat quietly next to her to guard and watch over her. She was weary, and as little ones tend to do about this time of day, grew sleepy. Her eyes fluttered several times and then closed. Her little body relaxed and swayed and then came to rest against Jesus’ side. His arm had been on the back of the bench. He had scooted closer to her when her eyes fluttered shut. He thought she might need a soft place to rest. She leaned against his side and her head eventually ended up in his lap. As she rested, Jesus stroked her little head and prayed to his father that she might find joy in realizing her heart’s desires.
Little Self woke up and saw Jesus looking at her with such love. It was delicious and she took it in momentarily. As she returned to a more conscious state she remembered what had transpired. Guilt feelings flooded her mind and heart. She sat up abruptly and started to blurt out things that really made no sense. It mostly consisted of trying to convince Jesus that she wasn’t angry about not being able to get into the park and assured him there had been no emotional outbursts.
Jesus understood and said, “Well, I’m certain that’s the case if you say so.” She looked away and was quiet. She continued to assure him that she didn’t feel angry at all either (although she had already mentioned she wasn't angry). At this point she was unable to look him in the eye thinking that she might betray her true feelings to him.
Thinking that Little Self might be thirsty after her nap he asked her if she would like a drink. She noticed a nearby water fountain but it was too tall for her to get a drink and there wasn’t a step stool. Still feeling quite dejected she said no, even though she really was thirsty. It made perfect sense. It was something her heart desired at the moment and yet again she couldn’t have access to it.
Jesus said, “I wasn’t thinking about the water fountain. I was thinking more like a snow cone.” She drew in her breath and her eyes grew big and brightened. There was, however, no vendor outside the park as far as she could see. Jesus took her hand and invited her to come with him.
They retraced her steps back to the entrance of the park and stood in line once again. Little Self felt a sick feeling in her tummy as the memory of what had happened here earlier that day resurfaced. She lifted her eyes to see Jesus looking down at her with a big smile on his face and joy in his eyes. He was still holding her hand.
When they were at the front of the line Jesus politely said to the attendant. “My friend and I would like to find a snow cone inside.” The attendant stared at Little Self and then looked back to Jesus. She fixed her gaze on him. She knew him…she was searching her memory. “Oh wait,” she said, “Don’t tell me, let me guess…I just know you from somewhere…you’re famous right? I’ve seen you on TV? You’re a star…” (bright and morning star, Jesus thought). After fawning over him for a minute or so and noticing the line behind them was getting longer, she threw open the gate to the park without even asking for their tickets.
Amazed to actually be inside the fence instead of on the outside, Little Self looked at Jesus and wondered what was next. He glanced in the direction of a little stand off to the right with a colorful striped canopy. The canopy provided shade for various colored syrup containers on the counter below. Off to the side was the shaved-ice machine. Little Self quickly selected the Blueberry Delight. She couldn’t even remember what Jesus chose but he had something colorful as well. As she made her way bite by bite through the cool sweet treat she thought her heart would burst. This would certainly qualify as a heart’s desire!
When they had wiped as much color as they could get off their mouths and sticky sugar off their hands Jesus asked her, “What’s next?” Confused, Little Self stared at him blankly. “Well,” said Jesus, “we definitely have options. Are you ready to have your breath taken away on one of those rides? I hear squeals of delight coming from that direction.” Now she was pulling on Jesus’ hand, quickly leading him toward the roller coaster in the distance.
The rest of the afternoon passed quickly. They had done everything her little heart desired. She was happier than she could ever remember being before and also more exhausted than she could remember.
Jesus asked if she would like a ride back to the entrance of the park. He motioned that she could climb on his back and he would carry her. She said, “Well, if I had my heart's desire” and then hesitated, “you would carry me in your arms and hold me close to your heart.” He smiled, gently picked her up, drew her close and started back toward the gate.
Her anger was gone and she rested contentedly knowing that her heart's desires were known and met by the one who knew her and loved her more than anyone else could or ever would.
For further reflection
Little Wrong Self found relief and freedom by understanding what Jesus said about her, on the slips of paper in the fortune cookies were the truth. She also found a way to be stay “corner free” by coming to Jesus with whatever wrongs she would inevitably commit. She knew that he would help her make better choices and didn’t feel the need to ever again sit alone in the corner waiting for punishment.
As Little Angry Self grew and thought more about this encounter with Jesus, she realized that her true heart’s desires were not for snow cones, rides at the amusement park, or even delicious food from the food trucks. She discovered her true heart’s desire was simply to spend time with and be held close to the heart of Jesus, the lover of her soul.
To date I have about a dozen stories that have helped me to understand and reframe the past so that truth replaces lies and freedom replaces bondage. I hope you enjoy these stories and that they will help you fall in love with Jesus again, or even for the first time, as the great lover of your soul.
Going deeper
- Prayers That Heal the Heart full training module - https://www.cluschoolofthespirit.com/courses/prayers-that-heal-the-heart-revised/
- Prayers That Heal the Heart individual products - https://www.cwgministries.org/store/prayers-heal-heart
- Inner healing counseling with a coach - https://www.cwgministries.org/DonPTHTHCoach
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